Q: How do you know you are a true stoner?
A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!
Police Officer: “How high are you?”
Pothead: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”
Q: What do you call a pothead with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.
Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken
Q: Did you hear about the kid that overdosed on weed?
A: Neither did I.
Q: What do you call a family that grows Marijuana in their backyard?
A: A Joint Family.
Q: What do you call a stoners wife?
Q: What does marijuana and the Carolina Panthers have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours.
Followed by a global food shortage.
Q: What is a stoners idea of a balanced diet?
A: A joint in each hand!
Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
A: Han So-high
Q: Why don’t you see any pot heads in elementary school?
A: Because they’re all in HIGH school
Q: What do you call an apple pie getting high in Mcdonalds?
A: A baked apple pie.
Q: What did the stoners girlfriend say?
A: If I can’t marry a dude, i’ll Mary Jane
Q: What do you call money that grows on trees?
Q: What do get when you soak a spliff in Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!
Q: What do you call a potato that smokes weed?
A: A baked potato.
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
Q: What do you call a stoner when horny?
A: A weed wacker!
Q: What do you call a bunch of mexican stoners?
A: Baked Beans.
Q: How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
Q: What did the frog say after lighting up?
A: Don’t Worry be Hoppy?
Q: What do you get when you eat marijuana ?
A: A pot belly
Q: What do you call a stoner spilling his weed on the floor?
A: Drug Abuse.
Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
Q: How do you know your a pothead?
A: You studied five days for a urine test?
Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn’t inhale?
A: Mr. President.
Q: What do you do if you see a space man while getting high?
A: Park in it dude
Q: What’s the point of a weed wacker?
A: Weed wackers need to wack it too!
Q: What does a mermaid smoke?
I got high last night with Ted Mosby.
And now I can’t remember “How I Met Your Mother”
Q: Why did the pot head plant cheerios?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.
Q: What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A: A Liar.
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?
A: A pot hole!
Q: What is Reality?
A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
A stoner called the fire department and said, “Come quick my house is on fire!”
The Fireman asked “How do we get there?”
The stoner says “DUH, in a big red truck!”
Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: Screw it, we got lighters
Q. How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad?
A. I don’t know! I’ve never had it longer than an hour!
Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A: Put it in his work boots.
Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
Q: What do you call a disney cartoon where the kids chill and do nothing?
A: Phineas and Herb.
Q: What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A: Politicians don’t inhale. they just suck.
Q. What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Q: Did you hear about the time Mark Paul Gosselaar got high and had the munchies?
A: He was Saved by the Taco Bell.
Q. What’s the difference between a stoner and a tweeker?
A. When a pothead is driving down a road he is driving about 20 mph and eating the upholstery. When a tweeker is driving down a road he is driving about 200 mph, and talking to the upholstery.
Q. If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
A. The cop!
Q. Why did the stoner cross the street?
A. His dealer lived on the other side.
Q: What do a bad football team and a pothead have in common?
A: They both get blitzed!
Q: What type of pizza does a potheads eat?
Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?
A: Put it under the soap.
Q: What do a quarterback and a pothead have in common?
A: They both get blitzed
Q: What did the stoner at the party say before the cops came?
A: Let’s blow this joint.
Q: Did you hear about the midget that got baked?
A: He could finally hold his head up high.
Q: How many Stoners does it take to change a light bulb
A: Who cares man, its to bright in here anyway!
Q: What do you call an event when two cities that legalized marijuana get together.
A: The Super Bowl
Q: What do you get when you eat too much hash brownies?
A: A pot belly
Q: Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: He was too far out, man!
Q: What do you call a TV show about physicists smoking weed?
A: The Big Bong Theory.
Q: What is a stoner’s favorite dream?
A: Getting so high he can eat a star.
Q: How do sharks get high?
Q: How did the pothead burn his ear?
A: He answered the phone while ironing his clothes
Q: What do you call a stoner flying through the hallways in college?
Q: What cartoon does Mary Jane watch?
A: The Power Puff Puff Pass Girls
Q: What do you call the dude that brings shrooms to a party?
A: A fungi
Q: Did you hear about the stoners who were planning to rob the medical marijuana shop?
A: First they had to case the joint.
Q: What do you call a cartoon about smoking trees?
A: George of the Junkies.
Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?
A: Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.
Q: What is 421 also known as?
A: National drug test day.
Q: Did you hear about the guitar that got baked?
A: It was highly strung.
Q. How do you get an one-armed hippie out of a tree?
A: Hold out a joint!
Q: What do you call someone who smokes the Forest of Feelings?
A: I Don’t Care Bears.
Q: What do stoners put on their spaghetti?
A: Legalized Marinara.
Q: Why don’t stoner get into arguements?
A: Because they take the high road.
Q: How do stoners go hunting?
A: With high powered rifles.
Q: What do you call a fly on marijuana?
A: A High Flyer.
I never realized so many Muslims smoked weed.
I always hear about them getting stoned.
I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl.
Until I asked her if she had papers, she immediately ran off.
Friend: “You could go to jail for weed!”
Stoner: “Jail sells weed?”
So one day a boy asked a girl can you suck my dick, and the girl replied “No I am a vegetarian, I smoke them trees.”
After smoking a bowl, girls just wanna have funyuns.
Don’t drink and drive. Park and spark.
Alcohol kills, weed chills.
Making bank, and smoking dank.
Life is what you bake it.
Sorry for my bluntness, that’s just how I roll.
Wake Up, Bake Up.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
Haters bring drama, stoners bring ganja
Join the marijuana movement, it’s a joint effort.
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly.
Marijuana One Liners
Call me Spiderman, because I’m in love with Mary Jane.
Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life’s a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high!
Weed doesn’t make you cool, it makes you high.
How much weed would a woodchuck smoke if a woodchuck could smoke weed?
Freedom doesn’t exist if nature is illegal.
Are you a drug, cause I marijuana take you home with me tonight.
Always take your driver’s license picture STONED, so when you get pulled over, the cop will think you always look like that.
God is perfect. Man is not. Man made liquor. God made pot.
What if Instagram instantly gave you a gram?
If someone could convince Justin Bieber to drive Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan off of a cliff, we could kill two birds with one stoner.
Girls that smoke weed are just so much more chill.
I’m not religious, but I worship Mary Jane.
If I drank as much as I smoked weed, I’d be dead.
Dig a little hole, plant a little seed, wait a little while, smoke a little weed
I’d rather have a world of potheads than alcoholics.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow these trees down.
Don’t get high. Stay high!
If she can roll, wife that bitch.
UNDER the influence, but ABOVE the ignorance.
Got busted with weed once and the cop asked me to give up my source. I said “Mother Earth.”
I’m not addicted to weed, but I smoke it like I am.
Gas prices may be high, but I am definitely higher.
I go to a school where the students are higher than their grades.
Girls that smoke weed > Girls that smoke cigarettes.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you’re talking to drugs, you’re probably already on drugs.
Sometimes I smell weed and can’t tell if someone is smoking near me, or if its just my clothes.
You might regret what you do, but you will regret what you dont smoke much more.
Good weed and good music. Total relaxation.
Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.
I stay high cause I like the view.
Weed doesn’t make you stupid, you were stupid before you smoked the weed.
Purple haze got me in a daze.
Girls that look like barbie, but smoke like marley
It’s not peer pressure, it’s just your turn.
These days I don’t know what’s higher. my phone bills, food prices, gas, or me.
Marijuana, cant we all just get a bong?
You cant buy happiness, but you can buy weed and that’s pretty fucking close.
The only weed problem I have, is when I don’t have any weed, and that’s a big problem.
Apparently weed is considered a gateway drug. That explains how I got to Narnia.
All you fuckers that don’t get high, shut the fuck up and give it a try.
Join the marijuana movement, it’s a joint effort.
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that smoke marijuana, and those that need to.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
Febreeze. Because your house stinks of weed and your parents will be home any minute.
Rolling joints is like riding a bike. Once you learn, you will never forget.
If you don’t like the smell of weed, you won’t like the smell of me.
Dating used to be a dinner and a movie, now it’s dick & dank.
I experimented with marijuana in high school, but I pretty much have the technique perfected at this point.
Weed is good, weed is fine,
If you share your weed, ill share mine..
I smoke weed every day and night
I’ve smoked so much that i cant see light
I can not see, I can not smell . shit
I’m in tha beggining of a fucked up hell!
If u think hell is worse then life
Then if I was you I would pick up tha knife
Stab thyself prepare to cry
But tha key objective is:not to die!
I failed that objective
So im going to die
This is tha end of my rhyme
So i gotta say bye!!
(to Little Ms Muffet)
little druggy sat in her buggy
smoking a joint of weed
along came a spider
who sat down beside her
and sold her a kilo of speed
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke a little leaf,
Jack got high and dropped his fly and Jill said “Where’s The Beef?”
Smoking Weed Is Fun To Do
I Bet One Day You’Ll Do It Too
A Bong A Blunt Maybe Even A Joint
They All Get You High, Get My Point
So With One Single Puff, As You Take It All In
This Is Where The Fun Begins
I May Be As High,As High As The Sun
But Who Gives A Fuck Its Not Hurtting No One
Some Say Its Bad, Like All Other Drugs
But You’Ll Say Fuck It Once You Look At These Buds
With These Few Last Words I Tell You My Friend
Light That Blunt Up And Let The Fun Begin
Stoners live and stoners die,
But in the end we all get high,
So, if at first you don’t suceed,
Fuck this world and smoke some weed.
Party hardy rock and roll,
Drink a fifth smoke a bowel,
Pots a plant it grows in the ground
If god didnt want it it wouldn’t be around
So all you assholes who dont get high just shut the fuck up and give it a try
Roll Roll, Roll, a joint pass it down the line
Take a toke hold your smoke blow your fuckin mind
I was here, but now I’m not,
I’m round da corner smokin’ pot!
I’ve wrote this message to prove a point,
Life is shit without a joint!
Baby girl you had it once , you had it twice.
You gonna ask your mother earth another slice.
There once was a bud named B.C.
He grew on a 7 foot tree
Till one day I plucked him Rolled him & smoked him
And now I can barely see!
Now I pass out into sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
Grant no other stoner take
My weed and bong before I wake
Keep me safely in thy sight
And grant no crackhead’s thrill tonight
And in the morning let me awake
Breathing scents of wake ‘n bake
God protect me in my dreams
and make this better than it seems
Grant the time may siwftly fly
When myself shall be so high
In a green grass weed bed
Where I long to rest my head
Far away from all these scenes
And the smell of bammer smoked by beans
Take me back into the land
Where the cops never take you out
Where the weed won’t burn my throat like sand;
Where the scent of chronis blows
Where the good Mary Jane grows;
Take me back and I’ll promise then
Never to leave BC again
Weed Bar Jokes
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.
The guy limps up to the stoner and says “Call me an ambulance!”
The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, “You’re an ambulance!”
Evils of Marijuana
A certain college professor was known for getting off topic during lectures
His favorite off-topic subject was “the evils of marijuana”.
One day into his lecture he started talking about weed,
“Used regularly,” he explained,”pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!”
Now wait a minute, professor,” interrupted a student. “Castration? Now that’s absurd!”
“Yes young man, it’s sadly true,” replied the professor smugly. “Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!”
Bags of Weed
A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier.
Shocked, the cashier asks..’What’s this for?’
The Rastafarian replies..’Me here to open a joint account’
Down The Hill
A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill.
The drunk said, “Fuck This, I’m gonna pretend I’m a bottle and just roll down the hill!”
So he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill.
When he got to the bottom the drunk was in pieces on the ground
So the stoner walked over to him and the drunk looks up and says “How did you make it without getting hurt?”
The stoner said I pretended I was a joint!
Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says “This is a really long fucking staircase!”
The other Hippie says “I don’t mind the stairs, it’s this low fucking handrail thats killing me.”
Don’t drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly!
I’m not as think as you stoned I am!
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
“Hello, is this the FBI?”
“Yes, how can we help you sir?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, Sir.”
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but cant find any marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.
Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?” said his best friend
“Did they chop your firewood?” his best friend asked
“Happy Birthday, Buddy!” his best friend replied
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, “How much for that TV set in the window?”
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, “I don’t sell stuff to potheads.”
So the stoner tells the owner that he’ll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.
A week later, the stoner comes back and says, “I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?”
And the store owner says, “I told you I don’t sell to potheads!”
So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, “How much for that TV?”
The owner says, “I’m not going to tell you again, I don’t sell to potheads!”
The giggling stoner looks back at the owner and says, “How can you tell I’m a pothead?”
The owner looks back and says, “Because that’s a microwave.”
Rabbit sits on a bank of the sea and smokes weed,
little fish sees him and asks him: rabbit, what are you doing?,
-I am smoking weed.
-Because it makes me feel great!
-Nice, can i smoke with you please?
-Sure, why not!
-But how do I smoke?
-Just inhale few puffs, keep it in your gills for a while and you will feel awesome.
Fish really inhales few puffs, says bye to the rabbit and swims away. She got really high and thought that everything is awesome in the sea. Suddenly, big blue whale sees her. He says: Hi little fish, where did you get so high?
-With a rabbit.
-Cool, he is my old friend! Where is he?
-He is up there on the bank of the sea.
And whale showes out from the sea in a front of he rabitt and says: Hi rabbit!
And poor rabbit jumps in the air drops out the joint and starts to scream obviously terrified: “Exhale fish, exhale.”
A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot.
So the little lizard climbed up the tree. The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.
The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.
Well there is a river just down there. So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.
All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.
Hey little buddy waz up said the croc.
I just got stoned with my pal the monkey.
Really said the croc, where is he I want some.
He is through the brush and up the tree.
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said holy shit how much did you drink little buddy.
There was three guys a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic they all went to hell for their sin and was standing in front of the devil.
The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with what ever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.
So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.
1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying “Aww my dick hurts I’m never having sex again”, poof back to earth,
Open the alcoholic room and he say “Im never having beer”, and gets sent back to Earth.
Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the Weed addict punches the Devil in the face and says you forgot my lighter bitch!
Jokes4us.com – Marijuana Jokes and More
If you go out and get trashed, pack a bowl when you get home.
Considering you’re drunk, it might take you a while to achieve the desired results, but push through and I promise you’ll walk away with a decently packed bowl.
Now, this is the most important part: Do not smoke this bowl. Put it away in your stash place for safe keeping. Then proceed to go on with your night. Whether that includes puking or sleep.
When you awaken hungover the next morning, there will already be a packed bowl waiting for you. Almost like an early Christmas present from yourself.
Thanks, stoned/drunk self.
Bonus pro tip: If you live alone, and depending on the pipe you’ve packed, store it in the freezer. It’s the equivalent of putting ice in your bong.
Things Stoners Say is the idea/collaboration of two stoner girls (and a man.) who quickly realized the potential in the things said when stoned. This blog will not only contain stoned things we've…