14 Dope Reasons You Should Definitely Date A Stoner Chick
1. She’ll roll a joint waaay better than you.
Once you get over her superior rolling abilities/your bruised ego, you’ll be hella grateful you have a girl on your team who rolls a j with the agility of a fucking origami master. Women are conditioned to pay more attention to detail than men—no more loose, shoddy joints for u, buddy! And when she’s “coming over to chill,” ualreadykno she’ll arrive wielding several blunts. You’re welcome.
2. …And she’ll always have pizza in tow, too.
Pizza, cookie dough, Goldfish, Sour Patch Kids, ramen, Doritos, SLUUURPEEEEEEEES…you name it. Your girl will have an appetite, and she’ll never let you go hungry.
3. And even though she definitely eats all that pizza, she’ll *keep it tight.*
A study published in The American Journal Of Medicine in 2013 concluded, against all munchie odds, that not only are bud-smokers actually thinner than their non-bud-smoking counterparts—their bodies also produce healthier responses to sugar. The study surveyed 4,500 American adults—about 2,000 of whom had never smoked weed, another 2,000 who’d smoked in the past, and 579 who were active smokers. Basically, the researchers found that those who currently *used marijuana* boasted a lower body mass index and lower levels of fasting insulin AND were less prone to obesity and diabetes than those who didn’t. In laymen’s speak: on average, stoners have smaller waists and healthier bodies than non-potheads. Whaddayaknow.
4. Sex will feel…dope.
It’s simple, really: bud makes your whole body feel better, so sex will feel better, too…like, significantly so. One study showed that weed has serious sex appeal, indeed: 75% of men reported that it significantly increased their sexual pleasure, 68% reported that it enhanced their orgasm, and…wait for it…39% found that it made them *last* longer! Another study showed that women experience even greater pot sexess—a whopping 90% of women said it increased their sexual satisfaction, and almost half reported that it heightened their orgasm (so you don’t have to, LOL!).
4. She’ll be
Not in a *doesn’t get mad at your for all the stupid shit you do* kind of way…in a genuinely less anxious/neurotic, happier kind of way. According to researches at Harvard Medical School, weed-smokers may experience reduced anxiety in the longterm, since the “drug” often acts as a sedative, helping to calm people down (and these effects can be lasting).
5. She’ll be generous.
Your girl will boast a stoner’s generosity—she’s got good weed etiquette like any decent stoner does, meaning she’s happy to smoke people out and spread the love. Her weederosity, no doubt, will go beyond passing the blunt. You’re a lucky man.
6. She’ll get along with your friends.
Weed brings people together, man. Stoners are categorically friendlier and more outgoing than most—and if her personality isn’t enough to win ur bois over, surely a little tree and a bong will.
7. She’ll be smart.
Fuck what ya heard about stoners being lazy and stupid—those stereotypes are bullshit and based on crap statistics that don’t control for the generally lower education levels of pot-smokers (as well as their tendency to be male…lol, sorry boys, you’re dragging us down—you just straight up perform worse on tests of verbal intelligence and quantitative skills than we do, which is why any study of the long-term cognitive effects of marijuana that doesn’t account for that confounding factor is utter trash). In reality, people who smoke weed are no “dumber” than those who don’t; in fact, according to Psychology Today, marijuana may actually help improve “verbal fluency”—the ease which which you access different words. Smart girls who smoke weed are intimidating, I know, but if you can handle the heat, I’d stay in the Fritos-filled kitchen.
8. …And creative.
Weed releases dopamine in the brain, effectively tearing down your creative insecurities and enhancing your proclivity to perceive things in different, cool ways. As a result, your girl will be a well of dope ideas, and studies show that—if she maintains her stoner ways—her ability to generate *high thoughts* will translate into a longterm capacity to perform better on tests/tasks that require her to come up with new ideas.
9. She’ll laugh at your jokes.
Because weed makes them funny. No offense.
10. She’ll always have cash.
…Cuz don’t no weird dealer *do* Venmo. She’s always got cash for grass, and that shit’s convenient.
11. She won’t get white girl wasted.
Weed > whiskey, no two ways about it. Marijuana is simply safer and less physically damaging than alcohol, which can kill a bitch in minutes if she starts binging. And, in fact, studies show that alcoholics and other drug addicts are likely to experience sobriety success when they substitute their pills ‘n’ liquor for a much more benign, much less addictive “substance:” gange. In short, if you’re girl’s busy smokin,’ she’ll be less likely to get carried away drinkin,’ and that’s a good thing.
12. You’ll always get a good night’s sleep.
Weed helps her sleep soundly so you can, too.
She won't get white girl wasted.
Why I’m Glad Hollywood Is Skipping the Stoner Chick Genre
All of my early experiences smoking marijuana fall into one of two categories: a botched effort to strike up romance or a poorly-executed attempt at proving a point. In high school I smoked from a pipe at a party in Koreatown with a guy named Richard. In retrospect, Richard was a hilarious name for a guy who was most likely in a gang. I needed a reason to talk to him, and I needed something better to work with than, “Are you team Britney or team Christina?” So we went to his room, where he packed a bowl. We got high together, and then I asked him, “Are you team Britney or team Christina?” We are now married. And by that, I mean I never saw him again. Another time, at a frat house in college, I ripped into a bong with such force that I was paralyzed into a silent smile until I finally willed my fingertips to text a friend to come rescue me. I think that, right before I went into mannequin mode, I said something along the lines of, “Hey guys, girls smoke weed, too!”
It’s not lost on me now that I should thank my lucky stars that Richard was paradoxically a devout Christian, and that those fraternity brothers were polite Northwestern nerds. Hey ma, I was just trying to bridge the gender gap of pot smoking.
As an adult, sure, I endorse responsible cannabis consumption. But I can’t pretend I’m even close to being full-reefer. I would love to be the high functioning, voter-registered, upstanding citizen, who unwinds from a long day with a joint. You know, one of those so-called “stiletto stoners:” she who kills it at the workplace and shamelessly revels in a post-work doobie because it has fewer calories than alcohol. The cold, hard truth is that every other time I indulge in cannabis (from the safety of my own apartment, of course), I become paranoid that the dog and I are no longer on speaking terms or that my living room has become a giant Etch A Sketch. How relaxing!
But as an actor, I happily take on roles where I will be pretend-smoking. Pass that oregano and mugwort from the left-hand side! And I’ve noticed that more and more of the roles I come across are girls who get stoned. Whether you partake in cannabis or not, get used to seeing more women lighting up on film and TV. More importantly, these roles will continue to become more diversified and complex because female pot smokers are as varied and different as people in general. Case in point—a list of some of the women in my life who smoke marijuana:
Dr. Ashley Cohen*
Previously, on-screen lady stoners were mostly riffs on the same super sexed-up, wild-child prototype, such as Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown, Milla Jovovich in Dazed and Confused, or Bijou Phillips in Bully. (Some exceptions to the rule include Charlyne Yi in Knocked Up and Anna Faris in Smiley Face.) But now there’s a whole slew of female tokers being represented in a more truthful, nuanced way, like the unreal Abbi and Ilana in a relatively unknown show that rhymes with “Maud Bity.” And these characters are so much more than just munchie-addled potheads. For these ladies, pot smoking is hardly their defining characteristic. Case in point: “Homeless Heidi,” the brilliant character I play on Katja Blichfeld and Ben Sinclair’s equally brilliant web series High Maintenance, is first and foremost, homeless.
Maybe it’s because there are more women in the creative driver’s seat in Hollywood. Or maybe it’s because weed culture as a whole is becoming more mainstream, seeing as it’s now legal in two states and becoming an increasingly more popular political platform. Either way, I don’t think I’m giving audiences too much credit when I say that young men and women today are calling bullshit on the existing, male-constructed fantasy of the pot hottie. You know the one—her character breakdown would look something like this:
CHLOE—’20s, female, all ethnicities. JACK’S roommate, who’s girl-next-door cute. Smokes pot as evidenced by “chronic case of the giggles/munchies.” Super laid-back and “chill.” Loves to hang with the guys playing video games, reading comic books, or managing a final fantasy football team. Not a Hollywood-starlet type, but attractive and athletically fit. (SERIES REGULAR)
My peers and I know this kind of casting all too well, and have shared countless waiting rooms with an army of six-foot, mixed-race Megan Foxes in plaid shirts and hipster spectacles. In these moments, my hulking feminist rage becomes a little extra enraged. But the good news is that this seems to be happening less and less.
So, you may be wondering, when’s the all-female version of Pineapple Express or Harold & Kumar gonna happen? As far as I know, it isn’t. Sure, in the past, the gender bias against female smokers has prevented Hollywood executives from greenlighting commercial films with this type of female lead. But do we even need the female Cheech and Chong? In my opinion, let’s just skip over the girl version of the man-child narrative. Isn’t that just a lazy way to spin an already-chewed, male-centric experience in lieu of telling one of the limitless new stories there are to tell? I’m pretty sure the world doesn’t need an all-female The Hangover. Isn’t that kind of like saying we could really use an all-Costa Rican Entourage.
As far as I’m concerned, the prevalence of realistic (funny! poignant! messy!) female stoners in our favorite series and movies these days is just a symptom of a more accurate and inclusive portrayal of women in all media. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Richard.
Oh, and if in the future I shoot an all-female stoner chick-flick, please forget I ever wrote this, and go see it.
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a weed-obsessed street urchin. I only play one on TV.