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my girlfriend smokes weed

I Made My Girlfriend Choose Between Me and Weed

You’ve got problems, I’ve got advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated—in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .

This week we have a guy who doesn’t like that his girlfriend smokes weed, so he proposed to her.

I Despise Dogs But My Fiancée Loves Them

You’ve got problems, I’ve got advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated—in fact, it’s sugar-free, and…

Keep in mind, I’m not a therapist or any other kind of health professional—just a guy who’s willing to tell it like it is. I simply want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn lives. If for whatever reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . Now then, let’s get on with it.

I’ve been with this girl for over a year, and no matter how much we compromise she continues to do what she claimed she wouldn’t. After New Year’s, it was her resolution to stop smoking weed, but she quickly changed her mind. I feel like it’s killing me every time she does it. She could not even talk to me after smoking the last time.

So, I took her to the place she spoke about when we first met, proposed, and put my heart and soul completely out there. I asked her to choose me or drugs, and I have yet to hear from her. She normally waits a few days to respond, but there’s only so much stress I can handle! And she claims I’m stressing her out with “my rules.” I feel as if I’m being manipulated, but I love her so much I’d do anything for her. Could she be taking my love, time, and trust for granted? Should I block all contact information, move on, and handle myself?

She’s broken my trust a lot in the past, whether it was her going out or doing things she had promised she would never do. She always comes back running into my arms, but she hasn’t texted me nor talked to me since yesterday, and it has me feeling as if she’s cheating or choosing a drug over me. I feel as if I’m walking through this blind and she’s being as belligerent as possible.

Sincerely,
Not So High Guy

Hey Not So High Guy:

You say it “kills you” each time she smokes weed, but I’m guessing since you’ve only been together for a year that she did this before you started dating. Did you go into this expecting her to change for you? Were you under some weird assumption you could “fix” her horrible non-addiction to a non-habit forming substance? Whether you pressured her into her resolution or not (it sounds like you did), it’s her resolution and she can do whatever she wants. It’s not her duty to try to squeeze into the mold you’ve set forth. She just doesn’t fit.

So you decided to propose. Wrong move, dude! You don’t like who she is, so you ask her to marry you? That doesn’t make any sense. Doubling down is not how you fix problems in a relationship! On top of that, your proposal was an ultimatum, and a pretty judgmental one at that. Instead of a sweet, romantic gesture, you offered her some kind of plea bargain deal. Like you’ll forgive her for her “transgressions” if she’s willing to live under your rule. No wonder she hasn’t responded yet. She’s not manipulating you, NSHG, and she’s not taking your love, time, or trust for granted. She probably just isn’t sure if she wants to marry someone who acts like her probation officer all the time, telling her what she can and can’t do for the rest of her life. Nobody wants that, even if you mean them well.

She’s more of a free spirit who likes to go out and get high every once in a while, and you’re more of a straight edge, good-clean-fun kinda guy. Both types of people are totally fine, but they rarely mix well. I mean, at this point she’s probably very aware that you don’t like her smoking weed, yet she continues to do it anyway. I’m thinkin’ thats your cue to move on, not push harder. Also, you clearly have some control issues that are worth addressing. Hell, you can’t even give her some space to think about your life-altering proposal/deal without assuming she’s off getting high and banging some other dude! Stop seeing everyone else as rule breakers that don’t adhere to your preferences and start seeing people for who they really are: imperfect beings that are just looking for someone to accept them. Some of them will be a good fit for you, and others won’t.

That’s it for this week, but I still have plenty of blunt, honest advice bottled up inside. Tell me, what’s troubling you? Is work getting you down? Are you having problems with a friend or a coworker? Is your love life going through a rough patch? Do you just feel lost in life, like you have no direction? Tell me, and maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but sometimes what you need is some tough love. Ask away in the comments below, or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page (please include “ADVICE” in the subject line). Or tweet at me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT EMAIL ME IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR REQUEST FEATURED. I do not have time to respond to everyone just for funsies. ‘Til next time, figure things out for yourself.

You’ve got problems, I’ve got advice. This advice isn’t sugar-coated—in fact, it’s sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.

Ask Alanis Morissette: I wish my girlfriend didn’t smoke pot

Is it that you somehow feel lonely when she is high? Does her smoking disconnect you in some way?

Photograph: Franck Allais for the Guardian

Photograph: Franck Allais for the Guardian

Last modified on Fri 1 Dec 2017 16.38 GMT

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a couple of months now. Before this we were really good friends. I have always known that she smokes pot. I don’t do drugs because I am bipolar, and I just can’t accept the fact she still smokes. I love her so much, I just need to know how to accept this part of her.
In broaching this with your girlfriend, I would be clear about why you don’t enjoy being with her when she smokes. Focus more on your experience and less on her needing to change. Is it that you somehow feel lonely when she is high? Does her smoking disconnect you in some way? I would recommend getting to the essence of what you miss when she is high with you, and explaining that to her.

If she’s prepared to stop smoking, then wonderful. If she is not open to changing her habits, it comes down to how important this is to you, and how much of a boundary you are willing to set. Would you walk away from the relationship if she were unwilling to stop? Is it something you could tolerate if she did it less? These are questions only you can answer.

My husband and I have always taken care to look at whatever habit or behaviour keeps intimacy at bay for us. There are many survival strategies that kept us alive when we were younger, that now simply keep us estranged from each other.

What you might have been willing to tolerate years ago in the context of a friendship might not be something you are willing to stand by as you get older or more deeply involved. It sounds like the drug-free environment you yearn for indicates your wanting a deeper intimacy – something substances and even obsessions with people can stop us from truly having.

Having been someone who turned to people and substances to keep a lifestyle in place that was not good for my nervous system, out of mere survival, I can say that stopping them led to a better, long-term way of navigating life, as well as my relationship with my husband.

When you change behaviour “for” each other, it turns out it almost always benefits the one who changes. But I recommend taking it slowly. My best to you both.

Is it that you somehow feel lonely when she is high? Does her smoking disconnect you in some way?