man who stand on toilet high on pot

Confucius say

Here are 100 sayings to test your knowledge of English. They are the best of those I found. If you know of good ones I didn’t put here that involve puns, email me (and thanks to those who did!)

  1. Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick – all gone
  2. Confucius say, bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush
  3. Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around
  4. Confucius say, gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls
  5. Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it
  6. Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left
  7. Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
  8. Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night
  9. Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
  10. Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
  11. Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
  12. Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly
  13. Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long
  14. Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week
  15. Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
  16. Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts
  17. Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired
  18. Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted
  19. Confucius say, man with tool in woman’s mouth not necessarily dentist
  20. Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level
  21. Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel
  22. Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
  23. Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot
  24. Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy
  25. Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts
  26. Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy
  27. Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people
  28. Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean
  29. Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
  30. Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand
  31. Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman’s well, often catches crab
  32. Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better
  33. Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts
  34. Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders
  35. Confucius say, electrician get much angry when find shorts in wife’s bedroom…
  36. Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face
  37. Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot
  38. Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew
  39. Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up
  40. Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
  41. Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic
  42. Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny
  43. Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
  44. Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit
  45. Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground
  46. Confucius say, woman who go to man’s apartment for snack, get titbit
  47. Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth
  48. Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag
  49. Confucius say, man who kisses girl’s behind, get crack in face
  50. Confucius say, girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town
  51. Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, fucking nuts
  52. Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy
  53. Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam
  54. Confucius say, learn to masturbate – come in handy
  55. Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey’s lap get hot tip
  56. Confucius say, girl who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge
  57. Confucius say, waitress who sit on leper’s lap, keep tip
  58. Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose
  59. Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef
  60. Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn
  61. Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard
  62. Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard
  63. Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle
  64. Confucius say, OK for shit to happen – will decompose
  65. Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache
  66. Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands
  67. Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk
  68. Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there
  69. Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point
  70. Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker
  71. Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring
  72. Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer – fucking near water
  73. Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself
  74. Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom
  75. Confucius say, support bacteria – is only culture some people have
  76. Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump
  77. Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all
  78. Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night
  79. Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke
  80. Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet
  81. Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back
  82. Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service
  83. Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick
  84. Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more
  85. Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack
  86. Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick
  87. Confucius say, man who pull woman’s bra strap, may get bust in face
  88. Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock
  89. Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self
  90. Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self
  91. Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor
  92. Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose
  93. Confucius say, woman who sink in man’s arms, soon have arms in man’s sink
  94. Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod
  95. Confucius say, man who fuck in cemetery may end up fucking dead
  96. Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money
  97. Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
  98. Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money
  99. Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed
  100. Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers

Some real sayings of Confucius (also, online)

Confucius say Here are 100 sayings to test your knowledge of English. They are the best of those I found. If you know of good ones I didn’t put here that involve puns, email me (and thanks to

Man who stand on toilet high on pot

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. woman who flies plane upside down has hairy crackup

. he who sit on tall toilet is high on pot.

. man like dog, put bone in hole.

. man who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand.

. woman who marry cop kiss dick.

. man who lay woman on ground get peace on earth.

. constipated mathematician can work it out with pencil..

. woman who sit on sailor’s lap get honorable discharge

. man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts.

. man who fishes in another woman’s well, often catches crab.

. screw on bench better than nail on board.

. epileptic woman who give man blow job may bite the big one.

. man who run through airport sideways is going to Bangkok.

. man who lay on back during sex is bound to screw up.

. he who fight with wife all day get no peace at night

. man with athletic fingers makes broad jump.

. boy with 1 hole in pocket feels cocky all day.

. boy with 2 holes in pocket leaves no stones unturned.

. rape impossible. woman with dress up runs faster than man with pants down.

. he who sleep in bed of nails is holy.

. do not drink and park. accidents cause people.

. woman who boils cabbage and peas in same pot is unsanitary

. he who forget parachute may be jumping to conclusion

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Baseball wrong–man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Learn to masturbate–come in handy.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

Virgin like balloon–one prick, all gone.

Man who date flat-chested woman have right to feel low down.


A Bird In Hand Makes Hard To Blow Nose.
Before Become Master Fisherman, Must Be Master Baiter.
Better To Sleep With Chicken Than To Choke It.
Boy Who Go To Bed With Sex Problem, Wake Up With Solution In Hand.
Chemist Who Fall In Acid Get Absorbed In Work.
Child Conceived In Back Seat Of Car With Automatic Transmission, Grow Up To Be Shiftless Bastard.
Don’t Try To Milk Bull!
Find Old Man In Dark, Not Hard!
Girl Laid In Tomb Soon Become Mummy.
Girl Who Douches With Vinegar, Walk Around With Sour Puss.
Girl Who Fly Upside Down Have Crack Up.
Girl Who Go To Bachelor Pad For Snack Get Tit-Bit.
Girl Who Is Wallflower At Party Is Dandelion In Bed.
Girl Who Marry Detective Must Kiss Dick.
Girl Who Slides Down Banister Nude Gets Splinters By Crackey!
Girl With Little Red Bike Peddle Ass All Over Town!
Go To Bed With Itchy Butt. Wake Up With Smelly Finger.
He Who Chases Car Will Get Exhausted.
He Who Crosses The Ocean Twice Without Washing Is A Dirty Double Crosser.
He Who Stick Head In Oven Gets Baked Bean
House Without Toilet Is Uncanny.
I Didn’t Say That!
If You Park, Don’t Drink, Accidents Cause People.
Is Good To Learn How To Masturbate, May Come In Handy!
Is Stuffy Inside Fortune Cookie.
It Takes Many Nails To Build Crib, But One Screw To Fill It.
Kotex Not Best Thing In World, But Next To It.
Man Who Jump Off Cliff Jumps To Conclusion!
Man And Mouse All Alike, Both End Up In Pussy.
Man Fly Upside Down Have Crack-Up!
Man Have More Hair On Chest Than Woman – But On The Whole Woman Have More.
Man That Have Sex With Hole In Ground Have Piece On Earth.
Man Who Bounce Woman On Bed Spring This Spring Have Offspring Next Spring.
Man Who Date Flat-Chested Woman Have Right To Feel Low-Down
Man Who Drive Like Hell Bound To Get There!
Man Who Eat Many Prunes, Sit On Toilet Many Moons.
Man Who Fall Through Screen Door Strain Himself
Man Who Farts In Church Sits In Own Pew.
Man Who Fights With Wife All Day, Gets No Piece At Night.
Man Who Jump Out Of Airplane Without Parachute Jump To Conclusion.
Man Who Keep Feet Firmly On Ground Have Trouble Putting On Pants!
Man Who Kisses Girls Behind, Get Cracks In Face.
Man Who Lay Woman On Hill Not On Level.
Man Who Lays Woman On Ground, Get Piece Of Earth.
Man Who Live In Glass House Get Dressed In Basement.
Man Who Lose Key To Lover’s House Get No Newkey.
Man Who Masturbate Into Cash Register, Soon Come Into Money.
Man Who Meows Ate Pussy!
Man Who Pull Out Too Fast Leave Rubber.
Man Who Put Face In Punch Bowl Get Punch In Nose.
Man Who Put Foot In Mouth. Get Athlete’s Tongue.
Man Who Put Head On Rail Road Track To Listen For Train Likely To End Up With Sudden Splitting Headache.
Man Who Puts Jock Strap On Backwards Gets All Balled Up!!
Man Who Runs Behind Car Gets Exhausted!
Man Who Screw Garbage Disposal Get Minced Meat!
Man Who Screws In Graveyard, F***S Near Dead!
Man Who Sink Into Woman’s Arms Soon Have Arms In Woman’s Sink.
Man Who Sit On Tack Get Point!
Man Who Smoke Pot Choke On Handle.
Man Who Snatches Kisses At Youth, Kisses Snatches When Old.
Man Who Stands On Toilet Seat Is High On Pot.
Man Who Sucks Nipples, Makes Clean Breast Of Things.
Man Who Tell One To Many Light Bulb Jokes Soon Burn Out!
Man With Athletic Fingers Make Broad Jump!
Man With Hand In Bush. Not Necessarily Trimming Shrubs.
Man With Hand In Pocket Is Having A Ball.
Man With Hands In Pocket, Not Always Looking For Change.
Man With Hands In Pockets Feels Foolish.
Man With Holes In Pockets Feels Cocky All Day.
Man With Kicked In Testicles, Left Holding Bag.
Man With No Legs Bums Around.
Many Men Smoke But Fu Manchu.
Never Raise Hands To Angry Child, It Leave Groin Exposed.
No Difference Between Man And Mouse – Both End Up In Pussy.
Not Know What To Say!
Nothing – Because He’s Dead!
Passionate Kiss, Like Spider Web, Leads To Undoing Of Fly.
Place To Look For Helping Hand Is End Of Own Arm.
Put Rooster In Freezer Get A Stiff Cock.
Rape No Good, Woman Run Faster With Dress Up, Than Man Can With Pants Down.
Sailor Who Gets Discharged From Navy Leave Buddies Behind.
Secretary Becomes Permanent Fixture When Screwed On Desk.
Show Off Always Shown Up In Showdown.
That Man With Four Balls Cannot Walk!
Those Who Quote Me Are Fools.
Too Damn Much!
Virginity Like Balloon, One Prick, All Gone.
Wallflower At Party Is Dandelion In Bed.
War Doesn’t Determine Who’s Right, War Determines Who’s Left.
When In Doubt, Whip It Out.
While Others Are Inside Sitting Down, You Will Be Outstanding.
Wife For Life Is Better Than Wife For Strife.
Woman Is Like Jazz Music, 3/4 Jazz Time And 1/4 Rag Time.
Woman Who Cooks Carrots And Pees In Same Pot Is Unsanitary.
Woman Who Fly Airplane Upside Down Have Hairy Crack Up !
Woman Who Go To Man’s Apartment For Snack, May Get Tit Bit.
Woman Who Put Man In Doghouse. Usually Find Him In Cathouse.
Woman Who Shave Legs Too Far Up Have No Hair, By Cracky.
Woman Who Spends Too Much Time On Bedspring, May Get Offspring.
Woman Who Wear G-String, High On Crack!
Woman With Bleached Blonde Hair Have Black Hair By Cracky.
You Can Pick Your Friends, And You Can Pick Your Nose, But You Can’t Pick Your Friends Nose.

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Collection of the daily jokes, humor documents, funny graphics, and other fun stuff that circulates the internet; all in 1 neat, complete site.